THREE YEARS SINCE KATHE DIED
Kathe, my wife, died 3 years ago, today, and turned my life upside down. For almost 60 years we had been entwined, always aware of what the other person wanted or needed, always thinking of every activity as “we” not “me”. Three years ago I suddenly was forced to shift from “we” to “me”. It was very difficult to do since we were so entwined, one person really, so that being ripped apart was both painful and confusing. But I sensed, even at the moment of Kathe’s death, that suddenly everything was going to have to be different. And the first step in letting go of being entwined and tentatively feeling my individual way along was my, out of the blue, decision to go to Greece for a month. I didn’t think it out, I had never wanted to go to Greece by myself, I only wanted to go with Kathe. In fact, when we married I promised Kathe I would take her to Greece. But we were entwined and she didn’t want to go to Greece so we didn’t go to Greece. We went to Germany, her home, instead, or to India where I had grown up. We traveled together. And then I found a way with my teaching job at Warren Wilson College to take students to India for two month or four month trips which I did almost every other year for about 35 years. I was accompanied on most of those trips by my daughter as assistant leader which somehow made traveling without Kathe all right. I was with family. It was part of my job, although no one asked me to do it, it was my choice.
Kathe had been sick for six months when she died, but with a psychological illness I expected her to recover from. I thought I might be a caregiver for life. But then, suddenly, pancreatic cancer was discovered and three weeks later she died. The shock was traumatic. I had no idea how to deal with it. I made no decision at all. When a cheap flight to Greece appeared on Scott’s Cheap Flights I didn’t carefully consider it, I just touched accept on the computer in an almost automatic way and was committed to a month in Greece. It was a leap into the unknown. And then at the same time I began to record my travels which I have done now daily for almost three years. I didn’t carefully consider that either. I just did it and it gave me a way to connect with others, anyone who wanted to connect, but mainly a new way for me to feel my way along for myself. I traveled, wrote a daily post and took daily photographs, all things that were apparently therapeutic and which gave me direction and something to look forward to. I did all three simply because they made me feel alive, not for any purpose.
So on this third anniversary of being ripped from being “we” to gradually accepting being “me” I wonder again how this transition came to be. In three years I have traveled, usually for a month at a time, to Greece, Germany, Paris, London, Amtrak around the United States, Morocco, India, the Baltic states, Germany/Netherlands, Montevideo, Sicily, Greece, Sri Lanka, India and Germany about 15 months of travel in three years. I have found I like to go for a month or two and then come back to Swannanoa for a couple of months and then travel to another place. A month away doesn’t seem very long and if the place turns out not to be satisfying I am soon home again. I have also discovered that travel is more fun if someone comes with me, at least for part of the time, or if I am visiting people whom I like being with. A month alone in a country where I don’t speak the language or know anyone is not as much fun, although still very interesting, as happened in Montevideo where I had covid for about half the time.
The things that people worry about for an 86 year old traveling alone have not been an issue. Traveling is quite inexpensive these days because of the Internet with half price airfare offered daily on going.com and monthly rates on Airbnb’s inexpensive with shopping in grocery stores keeping costs down. With Google maps and search it is very easy to make travel connections and to find your way around. English is spoken to a degree almost everywhere and people are generally friendly to an old person, helping with bags and offering a seat on a bus. At 86 I move more slowly and do less each day but enjoy travel even more than when I was in a hurry or responsible for others. A modest retirement income and endless retirement free time make traveling very easy to do. The ability to walk, slowly, is the only requirement. In addition Facetime and these daily posts keep me connected to home and family.
I didn’t know most of this when I, without giving it thought, clicked on the Greece air ticket. I think the most important factor in traveling is not cost or security or knowing what you are doing, it is simply the willingness to let go of where you are and to head into the blue with the confidence that things probably won’t go as you expect but that you will be able to figure things out as you go and that the best experiences will be ones you didn’t anticipate at all.
Kathe didn’t like the idea of buying cheap tickets and suddenly heading for places unknown. We were entwined and being entwined was very good so I didn’t mind. But I don’t feel her disapproval now. I take her with me and feel that she is happy with what I am doing and wishes me well, glad that she isn’t sitting on long flights or living out of a carryon bag and glad that I am able to get along on my own.
So that is what I am thinking about on this third anniversary of life without Kathe. I miss her terribly and the things we did together, but I am relieved to have found a way to get along on my own that also feels good, but in a different way.
BILLYBABA’S WANDERING 