JANUARY 1, MONDAY 2024

NEW YEAR

Sunday night was New Year’s Eve. I had spent the day alone. I read through my email and deleted a host of emails from people asking for money for colleges, for politicians, for public television, for every good cause. I was told again and again that this was my last chance to contribute during the old year. I didn’t feel like contributing to anyone. And then I went to bed at 9:30. I knew it was New Year’s Eve and in the past at times I’ve felt connected to the larger world and felt a sense of excitement. It wasn’t for the change of the year, it wasn’t because I had made an resolutions it was just because everyone was celebrating. I talked with Todd and Susie on Facetime as they sat on their porch in the light of two oil lamps. It was pleasant being with them for a bit. And then I went to bed at about 9:30. I heard a short burst of firecrackers from down the valley and then fell asleep.

It was just another cold dark evening. I remember as a child being excited. I once went to Times Square with my brother Ted and watched the ball come down. There was excitement in the air. But this New Year’s Eve I felt nothing at all, it was just another cold evening, and I wondered why I had ever felt excitement. Maybe my disinterest could simply be a result of old age. My numbness was probably because I was alone and celebration is a tribal event. But I didn’t feel like celebrating, I certainly didn’t feel part of a tribe, and the passage of time didn’t mean anything. I was in Greece for Thanksgiving and Susie and I went out to eat. But no one was eating a turkey in Greece. I felt just as detached here in Swannanoa on New Year’s Eve. I didn’t miss celebrating. I didn’t feel anything. I just went to sleep.

But as I look back I wonder why I ever celebrated. I guess I did it because everyone was doing it. As a tribe we created the day and all celebrated it blindly. Humans picked the day to begin the new year and it is fairly close to the shortest day and the beginning of a new opening up, but that was ten days earlier. The date is arbitrary as is the the number of years AD. It is just another cold night in winter until someone began to celebrate it. Now I am not part of the tribe for some reason. It was just another cold night in winter. I didn’t feel a thing.