RISK AND REASON
Two months ago I changed my mind about going to Morocco for a month. I did it partly because I could do it. The airlines changed my flight times so I could ask for a refund. I partly did it because Omicron infection rates were rising rapidly and there was a general panic that things were getting worse. I also justified cancelling because there were indications that booster shots were giving waning protection. And with Omicron raging I felt like I would be stuck inside in Essouria for a month with no one to talk to. But the real reason I decided not to go was frankly because I just felt like staying here. All of my reasons for not going were valid reasons for not going, but I didn’t decide with my head, I decided with a gut feeling feeling that I would prefer to stay here. And I’m glad I did. My intuition still feels right.
Now in March there are the some of the same reasons for not going to Paris. But is it springtime and April in Paris feels so attractive that I don’t care that the new BA.2 variant is spreading in France. I may be a little safer because I’ve had the second booster, but I don’t feel safer. I’m just ready to go.
I’ve been making a daily walk to get ready to walk a lot in Paris and to be able to climb four flights of stairs several times a day. As I was taking my daily walk a few days ago after a hard rain the path on Jones Mountain was slippery. I remember thinking that the two things that could keep me from making the trip was getting Covid at the NCAA game I attended on Sunday with my son where I sat next to two unmasked boys who certainly played with other boys and could be carriers or, secondly, tripping and breaking my leg. So I walked Maggie the dog very, very carefully and as I was assessing my risk in my head slipped on a muddy patch and landed on my knees between two rocks. As I lay on the ground with Maggie nosing me with puzzlement I realized that I had come within an inch of cancelling my trip. My knee was cut and bloody but I could stand up and shuffle back home undamaged.
The plane could crash, the car have a head on accident on the way to the airport, I could catch Covid in Newark airport or in the plane or the metro in Paris. We are still in the middle of a pandemic. I could have a sudden heart attack or catch some other disease or slip on wet cobblestones. Not that I think that any of these things will happen, but they could. And I don’t think there was more chance that they would have happened on the way to Morocco. It is just that I feel like going now and didn’t then. Rationality has very little to do with my actual decisions. And this is true of a great many decisions that I’ve made in my life ranging from where I went to college, to whether to go in the Army, to getting married, having children, to teaching at Warren Wilson and on and on. Almost every important choice was an intuitive choice for which, often, I gave practical rational reasons. But the real reason each time was that the choice just felt right at the time. And so I am off to Paris just for the fun of it and whether I make it back or not is not something that I am even considering. When I don’t feel like considering risk, I won’t.
BILLYBABA’S WANDERING 